When I saw the title of this poem, pyramids and the famous statue of Pharaoh came to mind. The first line got my full attention, the words, and the arrangement. “This hard concrete should hold me in awe”, now that got me! I love it.
Then I got to the third line and my ears tingled. Every time was unnecessarily used twice in the third line. There’s this vibe that the writer is trying too hard to please the reader. Egypt has no bearing whatsoever here, so why use it as a title?
The fourth and fifth lines already give the reader an idea of how the writer’s shape is like on the floor. “Curl … fold into a ball … foetal position …” Come on, we get it already.
Also, you are “the soft-stroke king”, so you should be able to backstroke? Is this about failure and getting back up or is it about being stuck?
This poem left a stale taste in my mouth, one minute I felt “oh, it’s rap” and another moment I didn’t know where to place it. I feel cheated, I wish the writer had added more lines to make the picture complete.
You wonder why you cannot win. You also claim you are always “winning on a whim”. Which should we believe? What message are you passing across exactly?
There’s a lot going on with the words, too many of it made the whole flow sound forced. Who put out the memo that good poetry ought to be confusing to be taken seriously? There are lots of contradictions here, one moment the writer is sure of himself and another moment there’s this huge self-doubt. “Glorious in ambivalence! Wise in hesitance! Regal in stance!” Ahn ahn! Bros to use rhymes is not by force na. These big grammar you were blowing here, they just did not register.
There’s this deep sense of disoriented despair that one cannot help but feel in every line. Then there’s self-mockery, the will to give up and the struggle to assert self-importance. I applaud the writer for the ability to make us feel these emotions and relate.
I give Uncle Phil an A for effort on this poem. I suggest that in future he writes from his heart, so as to have more depth. Please himself first and watch it spread to the reader. This poem made me really think, and because there were so many facets to it namely: failure, despair, fear, defiance, belief, doubt and the need to brag, it is a poem everyone can read and pick a thing or two from.
P.S: The closing, just like the opening is really wonderful. Keep writing, never stop. You never know which of your words would save a life and lift a depressed spirit.
By Cece Ireneh
Cece Ireneh has a therapeutic relationship with Poetry; she says it drives her demons away and gives her ethereal peace. When she’s not writing, she’s cooking meals that turn clients into addicts.
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Words Are Work … and fun too!