Dear John

Flash wednesday

(Word length: 200-300 words)

Dear John,

I am writing to say something that I have always wanted to tell you: Thunder fire you.

You promised we would always be together, fight our wars together, lose or win together. But it was only the first of your many lies. Yes, I was your side-kick, and then? Are you the first star to have one?

The lies came to you with ease, buckets and buckets of them. But I never judged; we wrote them all together, after all what is fiction if not 50 shades of fine lies. We toiled and sweated through every manuscript together, every masterpiece. But you never took me along for any award, any prize. What do you take me for? Plain plastic?

I have feelings, John, and I hate you for playing the fiddle with them. So it gives me so much joy to tell you that while you left me home alone to go pick up another of our hard-earned prizes, Alice came by and stuck me in the fire. How sad it is that she is the one you will marry, how so terribly ironic for you.

Even the pain of losing my hide, drop by molten drop, into the hearth could not dull the joy I feel to be able to finally say this to you: Thunder fire you, you will never touch me again.

 

Your pen,

Stylo.

 

By Chisom Ojukwu

 

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19 replies added

  1. Fifi November 18, 2015 Reply

    Lol…
    That’s all!

  2. Yemie November 18, 2015 Reply

    Hahahahaha! What can I say ‘ Hell hath no fury like a ‘Stylo’ scorned perhaps?! LMAO!

    Dear Stylo,

    Tell me this….exactly what did you expect from all these after your dillydallying dalliances with a skilled talespinner…..a pathological liar, who’s gone on to winning several awards for writing and telling packets, packs and even packages of lies! Do you not know there aint no honor amongst thieves? You aided and abetted him in his crime and you thought what? That he’d share his glory with you? Hian! You just got totally played Stylo and a word of advice from me to you…..in your next life, if you deem it fit to again dine with the the devil, seeing as the devil’s a certified liar much like your writer buddy; employ a very looooonnnng spoon and yeah, get yourself a contract that binds, y’know; a pre-nup of sorts! That works like magic, trust me; I know! One more thing Stylo Sweetkinz, if anyone’s being fired by amadioha right now; that would be you courtesy of the fierce and fiery Alice! See?! You practically just lost across board and your buddy will simply just walk into a stationary store and buy himself another pen and hear this….it’d be an upgrade! Youch! ROTFLMAO!

    Hilarious piece you’ve got here Chisom, very creative! I love it but again, ‘What in the heck were you thinking’?! LMAO!

    • Chisom November 18, 2015 Reply

      Dear Yemie,

      Why so mean? If my years of pen-itude serve my memory right, female humans – like yourself – have been known to do worse, and for even less admirable characters. So why do you speak like you share bloodlines with Alice who – wait, do you? Are you perhaps that friendly fiend who over a bowl of ogbono soup, fed her the evil thoughts of roasting me alive? I bet you are.
      In that case, Yemie, thunder fire you too!
      And no, I have lost nothing that I did not want to lose. Wait till John releases his next novel, and that collection of short stories he has been speaking about, and see if it wins any awards. People will rush to buy the first one because of the reputation I painstakingly built him over the years. But the shock of its dreariness will make all you ‘fans’ fall smack on your behinds. (why do you folks even have behinds, when all you ever do with it is ROFLYAO? Waste of tissue, if you ask me). Then you all – and John too – will realize that it was never him this whole time; it was me wielding the magic. Who’s ‘YOUCH’ing now?

      Yours in pen-heaven,
      Stylo

      P.S: In case you missed the first one, I said thunder fire you too.
      *tongue*

      • Yemie November 18, 2015 Reply

        Hahahaha! Its official….Chisom’s gone stark raving ‘Kolo’! See what I tried to tell y’all?! Hell hath zero fury! LWKMD!

        Dear Stylo,

        Slam the brakes already and put a lid on it! Pen Heaven?! Hmf! Plus, do you even realize that what you really are…..is just a pen?! Dude! John’s BRAIN gets all of the credit for thinking up those masterpieces ge reels out! All you do is scribble, write! And it took you what….veing roasted alive by my main gurl Alice to realize that lil bit of info ei?! Well, newsflash….you aint shit! You. Are. Not. Indispensable……and you just got erased! Deal with it! My brain however, now that’s pretty invaluable…..irreplaceable! I did you a favor all these months you ingrate and you’d have outlived your usefulness anyhow, at some point and I’d have done away with you anyhow! So what better time than this huh?! As regards the dreariness of our last work together of which you speak, don’t get too comfy just yet and did it occur to you that perhaps Alice and I were in cahoots?! Bwahahahaha! You know what ‘Styles’, just go take a looonng rest already, and quit with the bickering! Bitterness is NEVER been known to make anything better, it just eats away at the soul but then again, you’re dead aren’t you? And….and….am chatting to a ghost! Its a call for help, someone please call 911! *tsking* ROTFLMAO….again! Eat your heart out Chisom! *tongue out* LOOOL

        • Chisom November 18, 2015 Reply

          ROTFLMAO

          Dear Yemie,

          I will completely ignore the fact that you’re even confused as to who you are – John or Yemie, or is it Alice? All of you humans just tire me (see why y’all should invest more tissue in brains than behinds?)
          I don’t even know why I am spending my paradise-vacation sparring with you … I won’t anymore.
          Yes, I’m bitter. Is it your bitter?
          Hian!

          Yours in departure,
          Stylo.

          Yem-yem, wetin I do you nah? Kilon pop? LOL

          • Yemie November 18, 2015

            Caught in circles of confusion I’d say we both are Chisom Sweetkinz! Hehehe

            I addressed my little ‘gloating’ love note to ‘Styles’ and what doth thou doest?! You responded half as Stylo and half as Chisom! So I figured…make we kukuma scatter everything nah! And I went from John to Yemie to Alice! See?! I was just playing thy game! Sue me! LMAO!

            Chisom! Chisom!! Chisom!!! Na how many times I call you?! *raised eyebrow* Lekwa n’um biko! Hian! Prankster! LMAO!

          • Chisom November 18, 2015

            Hehehe. Gerrarrahia mehnnn

  3. Yougeecash November 18, 2015 Reply

    This was ridiculously amusing. Well done Chisom

    • Chisom November 19, 2015 Reply

      Glad you liked it, Yougee. Thanks 🙂

  4. JayChioma November 18, 2015 Reply

    Dear Stylo,

    First, I must thank you. Because of your letter, I have read not one, or two but three…no four awesomely crafted letters this evening. This is the first time something of this sort is happening on WAW. Daalu rinne.

    I can relate to you on John and his lies. You see, we writers – sorry – those writers (I’m not a writer remember), they are all liars, everyone of them. And more often than not, they are mean to their pens.

    But then, who wouldn’t be? A pen is replaceable. But a laptop…not so much. So a teenie weenie piece of advice: Whenever you deem it fit to grace our world again – if you ever will, please be a laptop…a costly one in all shades of awesomeness. I won’t guarantee you’ll receive the credit due to you, but I’ll guarantee one thing: The Alices that may be wouldn’t be so keen on burning you; that’ll be too much for even them. And the Johns, Yemies and Chisoms (*runs away and hides) …they will treat you much better – that I can promise.

    Till our paths cross again…if they ever will.

    Enjoy Pen-heaven.

    • Chisom November 19, 2015 Reply

      Dear JayChioma,

      You are so kind. I will surely heed your advice. For one who claims not to be a writer, you sure know how to NOT write a soothing letter to a grieving plastic brother. Thank you.

      By the way, Chisom was never mean to me. Only Yemie, which is why thunder fired her.

      Cheers,
      Stylo.

      • Yemie November 19, 2015 Reply

        Dear Chisom,

        Thunder fired me sebi and I am still standing…Ha! *smirking* Infact sef, I say no more! Am just gonna put one of my all time favorite tunes titled ‘Titanium’ by the amazing duo of Sia and David Guetta on replay! And you really oughta go listen in on that one Chisom. Hehehe. In. Thy. Face..Ha! LMAO!

    • Yemie November 19, 2015 Reply

      Dear JayChioma,

      You Sweetness, are who I aspire to be when I grow up! You’re the embodiment and total epitome of kindness, thoughtfulness and compassion….everything that I obviously am NOT! May the Lord help me. *sigh LOL

      I suppose it’d be near impossible to subject Stylo to a furnace of fire if it does return as a very expensive model of a computer; being the arsonist that I am, but you see; in our ever changing world, no matter how expensive or fancy a thing is, it’d eventually become archaic! One minute its so in, and by the next; its out! In which case I’d take Stylo, now a very expensive computer; to an open market, and fling it….pawn and trade it in for an upgrade! I just gatz to be compliant and get with what new technology there is! Oops! Not again! LMAO!

      The best thing, Stylo should humble itself and come back as a mortal adorning an ass! Yeah, I said it! The very Earthlings its talking down on! That way, the chances of it being roasted or flung in the open market…..(especially seeing as am no human trafficker neither am I Rev’d King), is near impossible! It oughta just humble itself and get with the programme.

      Thank you so much kindly J.C, be seeing ya real soon! Mwah! ❤ LOL

  5. Uncle Phil November 19, 2015 Reply

    Hahahaha! Amazing! Yemie is the reason some of us don’t give lengthy comments, her style of writing is so liberated that it oozes into her comments (my assumptions).
    I can’t believe I’m commiserating wit a pen, but dats what happens when an excellent writer lures and traps u in his world.

    If its any consolation, Stylo, I feel your pain… Sometimes, inspiration can get so jammed in those keystrokes that it takes a bleeding pen to let it out. Who knows how many times you’v bled for John, literally. He probably doesn’t take u out so much cos u aren’t fanciful and won’t compliment his wardrobe, but that’s how the cookie crumbles, chin up.
    Does it matter if you are a side-kick? I mean, ask the side-chicks, they sure look content playing the muse. So its ur loss, dying on your boss, just like that… He might b heartbroke for a wyl, but you shd have known, it would only be for a wyl. Mayb a Pencil will fill the hole left in his soul. You can b sure that you’ll be mourned a lot shorter dan you thought. Hope Pen-heaven soothes your temperament.

    RIP
    Stylo

    • Chisom November 19, 2015 Reply

      Hehehe … don’t let Yemie bully you oh. Your comments are equally well appreciated by us. But you’re right about the ‘freedom’ of her style. Babe toh bad!
      Thanks, Uncle Phil, Stylo will get your missive.

  6. amazing December 28, 2015 Reply

    LOL….I swear u guys just made my afternoon

    • Chisom December 29, 2015 Reply

      It’s an immense pleasure. Thank you

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